Season Three: Memorable Quotes

3.01 Do-Over
Devon: You know what they say about rumors, Jack? They make a 'ru' out of 'mor' and 's'

Liz: I was arrested once in Germany for public nudity. I thought it was a topless beach; it was a shipyard.

Jack: This is GE!
Devon: It’s just G now, Jack. I sold the E. To Samsung. They’re Samesung now. I was supposed to be at a board meeting 5 hours ago. Which ways Connecticut?

Jenna: Well I first met Liz in 1993. She was fresh out of college and I had just broken up with OJ Simpson. And can I just say something? Total gentleman.

Liz: Are you sure she wants sex? Maybe she just wants attention. You know her whole world is stuffed unicorns and soap operas.
Jack: Aren’t soap operas all about sex?
Liz: No way! The best part of soap operas is when somebody’s twin interrupts a wedding or the pulls a gun in a fitness center.

3.02 Believe in the Stars
Jack: What do you take to fly?
Liz: Candy and magazines.
Jack: No pills. Nobody flies without medication any more. Why shouldn’t you enjoy the same luxuries as a dog?
Liz: Comanapricil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime…
Jack: It’s very good.

Tracy: If it wasn’t for you people, I’d still be in Africa, gorgeous, politically stable Africa.

Jack: Well Kenneth, I give up. I thought pure morality died with Chuck Heston but you proved me wrong. You are better than all of us. You are one Latina fantastica.
Kenneth: Hola.

3.03 The One with the Cast of Night Court
Claire: Are we still on for tonight? It is going to be epic!
Liz: I can’t… I volunteer at this thing with children and old people…
Claire: Bring them!

Claire: I’m his life coach, Esmerelda Fitzmonster.

Jack: Claire used to punch me in the face.

3.04 Gavin Volure
Tracy: Those two have never paid me any attention and rightly so! I’m a strange man who can’t be taken seriously. Now they won’t let me out of their sight!
Kenneth: Well, maybe they love me.
Tracy: Nope. Look what the little one made me.
Kenneth: Aww that’s cute.
Tracy: This is voodoo, Ken!

Liz: I’m still tired from that dinner. And meeting someone new, ugh, all the nodding and smiling and sibling listing. And what’s the upside? It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?
Jack: Lemon, what do you want? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
Liz: No. I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in where you don’t really have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows and go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

Kenneth: All right everyone. I’m in charge. Does anyone want water or saltines?
Tracy: I would feel safer with some saltines.

3.05 Reunion
Kenneth: Oh, Ms. Lemon. You have several messages. Ah, let’s see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles.
Liz: Ok.
Kenneth: Uh, your credit card called. They want to make sure you’re the one buying crème soda in bulk.
Liz: I sure am.
Kenneth: And your landlord called. He said it’s not your toilet, it’s you.
Liz: That’s his opinion.

Jenna: I would have gone to my reunion, but the boat I was educated on sank.

Liz: Boy it was something landing in this storm, huh? Listen about some of the stuff I said…
[Flashback]
Liz: One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti! Sometime I pee in the shower if I’m really tired! I saw my grandparents making love once and I didn’t leave right away!

3.06 Christmas Special
Liz: [reading letter] Dear Santa, my name is Chanel Jenkins. I would like some new shoes so I can walk to school. My dream is to be a doctor someday…
Tracy: [crying] That kid’s never going to be a doctor. I better buy her a jet ski.

Tracy: I will not let you go into that neighborhood alone. In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo…
Liz: Kwanza.
Tracy: And Shalam-shazam to you too, my sister.

Liz: What just happened?
Tracy: What’s the past tense for scam? Is it scrumped? Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped!

Liz: Hey, you don’t know the Postmaster General, do you?
Jack: I do but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie I’ll just return Joan Baez’s phone calls.

3.07 Senor Macho Solo
Jenna: OMG, Liz. Look at you and me and our biological clocks. You’re going baby crazy and I keep getting turned on by car accidents.

Jenna: I’m so glad I time traveled here from 1969. Woah! What is that iron bird?
Jack: They had airplanes in the ‘60’s, Jenna.

Liz: Cat sound!

Jenna: I just want you all to know, that as I prepare to venture into moviedom, that an actor is only as good as the words… oh my thing is on! Everyone shut up! Shut your mouths!

3.08 Flu Shot
Liz: I’m not getting sick before my trip. The place I go to has private beaches, soft served ice cream machines, and after the French custom, people wear dark socks to the beach.

Dr. Spaceman: When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman’s mouth?

Jenna: Tracy and I want to do something for the crew. You know, to thank them for being sick.
Tracy: We didn’t know what to get them. But then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one. Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
Jenna: But, after he stabilized, we decided we’d get them all hot soup.

Elisa: I can’t go back to back to working the late shift at Dunkin’ Donuts. The customers are so sad.
[Flashback]
Elisa: Can I help you?
Liz: Yes, what time do you start throwing out donuts?

3.09 Retreat to Move Forward
Liz: Is that like a corporate retreat? I used to have perform at those all the time back when Jenna and I were in that improve troupe.
[Flashback]
Host: The audience suggestion is “Sling Blade and Oprah on a date.”
Liz: [as Sling Blade] I sure do like dem French fired potaters!
Jenna: No you don’t Oprah!
[Back to Present]
Liz: Jenna is not a great improviser.

Frank: Ok, I’m on Wikipedia. Edit page. Did you know that Janis Joplin speed walked everywhere and was afraid of toilets?
Toofer: I had heard that, yes.
Cerie: Was she really?

Tracy: So how bad is diabetes really?
Dr. Spaceman: Quite serious. If left untreated you could loose a foot?
Tracy: Could I replace it with a wheel like Rosie from the Jetsons?
Dr. Spaceman: I suppose. But then you’d have to register as a motor vehicle.

Liz: Stop sweating you idiot! What is wrong with you? YOU STUPID BITCH!

3.10 Generalissimo
Jack: Wasn’t that a treat? Only the special tours get to see Conan without his wig.

Elisa: Here’s today’s script. I translated it and took out the Star Wars references.

Matt Lauer: The Lehman Brother’s investment bank will reopen under the direction of comedian, Tracy Jordan.
Tracy: I’m doing this so nobody will know I’m getting old.
Reporter: But you just told us you’re old.
Tracy: This interview is over!

3.11 St. Valentines Day
Frank: Oh Kenneth, Hey, you know how the company makes and effort to hire the disabled?
Kenneth: Do I?! I wouldn’t have this job if it weren’t for the mouth on my back.
Frank: Yeah, I’m supposed some blind chick they hired to edit the reruns. But three of the dancers just found out their all dating the same guy, so I’m gonna go watch that. So if you see a blind chick, give her one of your boring tours.
Kenneth: Yes sir! [higher voice] Yes sir! I’m just funning, it’s all sewed up!

Priest: And now, a prayer for the pregnant members of our congregation. Anita Alverez. Anna Alverez. Annabell Alverez…
Jack: Honey this is a Catholic church. We’ll be here until morning.

Grandma Baird: Mandy, you look terrible.
Liz: Oh no, I’m not Mandy. I’m Liz.
Grandma Baird: Mandy, you have to tell Drew something for me: The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother. I’m his grandmother. You have to tell him or I won’t get into heaven! [Grandma Baird dies]

3.12 Larry King
Jack: Lemon, you’re a woman…
Liz: Of course I am! That doctor was a quack. I don’t even know why my parents listened to him!

Pete: Listen, we have a request. Can you please try to remember to talk about TGS tonight?
Liz: You only have to plug it once. TGS, Fridays at 10:30 on NBC.
Tracy: You got it. NGS Fridays at C:30 on TB:10.
Pete: Thank you.

Larry King: Have you been to Asia, Tracy?
Tracy: My work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie, “Rush Hour”, but two weeks into shooting, I was replaced by Jackie Chan.

Larry: If you’re just joining us, we’re with Tracy Jordan who is giving guitar icon Peter Frampton enigmatic clues about a secret treasure.

3.13 Goodbye, My Friend
Liz: I’ll have mine to stay, please?
Becca: You want a dozen donuts to stay?
Liz: And a skimmed milk.

Kenneth: What’s the matter, Mr. Jordan? I know you only make cheese friends when something’s bothering you.
Tracy: You were right, Ken. Birthdays are special. And now mine is over. And who knows when February 24th will come again? And that birthday wish is malarkey. Malarkey! [To cheese friend] Come on, Daniel.

Jenna: Don’t even ask about the wheelchair.
Liz: Ok! [runs]
Jenna: Also, my old vocal coach died!

3.14 The Funcooker
Dr. Spaceman: My lab work is in the field of sleep research. Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once. We are currently working on a pill that keeps people awake under any circumstances. It’s being funded by the US Military and the WMBA.
Jenna: Where do I sign up?
Dr. Spaceman: Oh please, we don’t want a paper trail.

Liz: And I don’t really think it’s fair for me to be in a jury because I’m a hologram.
Judge: You seem fine to me, report to Jury Room B.
Liz: Charles what now?

Jack: Most of the time has been spent focused on coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product. Something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity: College students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Jack: I’m going to pick some random letters from this bag of Scrabble tiles. Let fate choose a name for us. V. A. G. …Why don’t we start over. N… I… I have an idea why don’t I pull them all at once? “HITLER.” Why don’t we take a break.

3.15 The Bubble
Jenna: As you probably know, especially if you read Page Six…of my publicist’s emails, I have decided to cut my hair and donate it to charity.
Kenneth: But Ms. Maroney, why would you cut your beautiful hair? You look just how I picture Mary Magdalene.

Liz: Something happened with Drew.
Jack: Oh no. He’s not a BFF?
Liz: Ugh no never. It’s the Bubble. He is a doctor who doesn’t know the Heimlich maneuver. He can’t play tennis. He can’t cook. He’s as bad at sex as I am. But he has no idea.

Tracy Jr.: He set up a home recording studio in our rec room.
[Cut to Tracy singing] Tracy: My girl has a fat neck! I’m sharp, let’s do it again.

Kenneth: This is too hard. Mr. Donaghy. I can not stand by while Mr. Jordan dies of dehydration in his recording studio. Plus I started to dream as Cranston.

3.16 Apollo, Apollo
Tracy: I will be brief. I have decided to fulfill my dream of going into space. If you have a spaceship and are looking for a hilarious astronaut with an irregular heartbeat and 30 million dollars, I am prepared to leave as soon as tomorrow.

Liz: How long have we known each other?
Jenna: 15 years. We met at that car dealership audition in Chicago. You were trying to be an actress then, despite your neck.

Commercial: Don’t wait, call now.
Liz in Commercial: Hi. I’m Bijou. Call me.
Liz: I’ve since had Invisiline.
Liz in Commercial: Call us, in English, German or Polish.
1-900-OKFACE
Frank: That’s not even enough numbers!

1-900-OK FACE

3.17 Cutbacks
Liz: Handle a presentation? Jack, I put on a live show every week, unless there’s wrestling. I’m on it.

Liz: Now I can stand here, Brad, and bore you with numbers. I could tell you we’re the #1 late night show among men 9 to 13 and the morbidly obese. I could tell you that we’re in final negotiations to create exclusive content for America’s jails.

Kenneth: I know you said only interrupt you if it was very important, but Tashonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone and she’s offering you 3 free months of Showtime but you have to act now!

Jenna: Well I had to study serial killers to prepare for my role as criminal profiler Jill St. Farari, in the Lifetime original mini series, Hushed Rapings.

3.18 Jackie Jormp Jomp
Jack: Sing them Blues, White Girl: The Jackie Jormp-Jomp Story, has got to get some buzz. And I’m going to need your help for that.
Jenna: Do you need a sex tape release? Because I’ve got a weird one. It’s night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.

Tracy: Yeah well Liz Lemon’s in jail now.

Jenna: First a backpack upstages me, then the paparazzi kept calling me Dina Lohan, and now the Cyrus family has decided to rock a bunch of funky hats.

Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage are the most important things. Like that HBO show, John Adams.

3.19 The Ones
Tracy: This present has to be special. It’s either going to be a denim jacket that says “Hot Bitch” on the back in diamonds
Liz: Uh huh…
Tracy: Or a Slanket.

Kenneth: My real name is Dick Whitman!

Jenna: I’m sorry, but I am not a monster. I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy she’s poisoned. So this other boy would go to town on her.

Liz: [singing] Working on my night cheese…

3.20 The Natural Order
Liz: Hey Jack, just a head up, Tracy knows what time it is.
Jack: Damn it.

Liz: You want to be treated like everyone else? Fantastic. Then tomorrow I’m sending a regular town car for you instead of one of those duck tour boats.
Tracy: Fine.
Liz: And you’re no longer to point at women in cafeteria and yell “I want to get that pregnant!”

Jack: Have you ever been to Florida? It’s basically a criminal population. It’s America’s Australia.

Jack: I have an opportunity here, Lemon. “A chance to go back to the past to put things right that once went wrong.”
Liz: That’s the Quantum Leap intro.

3.21 Mamma Mia
Liz: Look, Jack, I don’t have a personal life experience. But if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn’t see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down. And then his mood level will drop, until he pees himself.

Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy’s son because Tracy is 60.
Pete: No that’s ridiculous.
Liz: Think about it. He can’t rap. He has diabetes. A lot of his friends are dead.
Pete: He falls asleep in chairs. He doesn’t know how to use the computer. He’s always mad the TV.
Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
Liz: He might be 70.

Tracy: I may hug people to hard and get lost in malls, but I’m not an idiot.

3.22 Kidney Now!
Woman: My fiance and I keep arguing about our wedding plans…
Liz: Nope! Your fiance is gay. Look at him. Look at you. Classic Fruit Blindness.
Vontella: Fruit Blindness!?

Tracy: It’s true! There is no baby. I was chicken! I was chicken!
Milton: A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show.

Jenna: You should do a celebrity concert. Like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Jack: Yes. A benefit concert like We Are the World. Or Weird Al’s less successful parody benefit, We Are the Pizza. Tell Pete to start building a set.

Jenna: Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping!
Liz: Deal breaker, Jenna! God!