Series Two: Memorable Quotes

2.01 SeinfeldVision
Jack: All of my summer replacements shows were big hits; America’s Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger than a Dog?, MILF Island.
Liz: MILF Island?!
Jack: 25 super hot moms. 50 8th grade boys. No rules.
Liz: Oh yeah didn’t one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn’t mean she’s not a wonderful and caring MILF.

Jack: She needs to loose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place on television.
Liz: I can’t believe I missed you.

Jenna: Oh my god, if I cover my good eye, you look just like Courtney Cox.

Liz: This is my year. Floyd’s moving on. I’m moving on too. I’m just doing it in my own order. I’m gonna get the wedding dress. Them I’m gonna have a baby. Then I’m going to die. And then I’m gonna meet a super cute guy in heaven.

Jenna: Hey everyone. I know what you’re thinking. How did I loose 25 pounds in one day? I didn’t. It’s visual trickery. Drawing the eye up.

2.02 Jack Gets in the Game
Jack: Geiss is sending signals about retirement, about succession.
Liz: By talking about sex in a sailing magazine?
Jack: That’s exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it.

Dr. Spaceman: Now Jenna, medically speaking for your height, your weight puts you in what we call the disgusting range.

Jenna: And it’s kinda hard to take life advice from a single woman who is using her treadmill as a hanger for a wedding dress.
Liz: Oh, I guess I’m just supposed to put it in the closet with ham fat all over it?

2.03 The Collection
Tracy: I’m whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know in the morning they have food, tv, almost everything. It’s pretty good.
Liz: I did know that! Yeah!

Lenny: Have you ever been arrested?
Jack: I have. The 1976 Democratic National Convention. But it’s ok, I was there beating up hippies.
Lenny: And what about your family? Any skeletons there?
Jack: By brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools. My cousin Tim fixes NBA games. My mother is an Olympics level racist. But as for the rest, they’re too drunk to do much of anything. Unless getting thrown out of a Chili’s is a crime.

Jenna: No I won’t calm down. This can’t be happening. Everything is based on the fat! Enorme, the offer to play Ms Pacman in the live action Atari movie.
Liz: What?

Liz: Well in this one, Tracy plays a gentleman who wears flamboyant clothes and lives uptown.
Angie: He’s a pimp.
Liz: He’s an entrepreneur.
Angie: What’s the character’s name?
Liz: Slick Back Lemar.

2.04 Rosemary's Baby
Jenna: If I can’t be Monique fat, I have to be Teri Hatcher thin. Either way, you’re laughing.

Liz: Thank you. You are my heroine. And by heroine, I mean lady hero. I don’t want to inject you and listen to jazz.
Pete: Good lord!

Jenna: A Page Off? What’s that?
Kenneth: It’s a savage contest, mixing physical stamina with NBC trivia.

Rosemary: Now that you’re free, we can work on something together.
Liz: Yeah! We can start our own network called “Bitch TV!” … or the second idea we think of.

Jenna: Ok, which NBC series spun off, amongst others; The Cosby Show, Miami Vice, Cheers, and Highway to Heaven?
Kenneth: Supercomputer!

2.05 Greenzo
Jack: It’s part of our new company wide global initiative. We’re going green, Lemon. And do you know why?
Liz: To save the earth?
Jack: So we can drain the remainder of its resources.

Tracy: All a hot party needs is mystique. A buzz. You see people are like lemmings. Harvey Lemmings, my lawyer. Who never misses a party.
Liz: That’s not a real person. You made that up.

Jack: Look how Greenzo’s testing. They love him in every demographic; Colored people, broads, commies, fairies, gosh we got to update these forms.

Tracy: Get me Harvey Lemmings!
Liz: Dummy! First of all you didn’t dial that cell phone. Second of all, that is your own rumor. People are going to show up expecting all those great stuff, and they’re going to end up disappointed and angry.
Tracy: Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

2.06 Somebody to Love
Liz: I never make assumptions about race. You remember I asked that black guy if he had seen Sideways?

CC: Whiskey straight up.
Jack: I’ll have a white run with a diet ginger ale and splash of lime.
CC: Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

Tracy: Stop eating people’s old French fries, pigeon, have some self respect. Don’t you know you can fly?

2.07 Cougars
Jack: Baseball taught me how to dream. What are your dreams?
Kid #1: When I grow up, I’m going to do vending machine maintenance.
Kid #2: I’m gonna get shot by a cop and sue the city.
Kid #3: I’m going to be a talkative doorman with a drinking problem.
Tracy: That’s right, you shoot for the stars.

Frank: I’m gay for Jamie.
Liz: No, that’s not a thing. You can’t be gay for one person. Unless you are a lady and you meet Ellen.

Liz: Speaking of music I like, how about Gnarls Barkley. That guy’s great. Have you been to his official website? It’s really…

2.08 Secrets and Lies
Jack: Lemon, that woman you met this morning in my office is not a colleague of mine. We are lovers.
Liz: Ugh, that word bugs me out unless it’s between “meat” and “pizza.”

Jenna: Do you remember when I filmed that movie version of the Mystic Pizza Musical?
Pete: Do I? I don’t.
Jenna: Well the NY City Critics Association just sent me this. Best Actress in a movie based on a musical based on a movie.

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public. Especially Godzilla. Hahaha I’m just kidding. I know he doesn’t care what humans do.

CC: I should never have listened to a woman to tapes her bra together.
Jack: Lemon…

GE Exec #1: I gave to NPR last year.
GE Exec #2: My children go to public school.
GE Exec #3: I’m gay.
GE Exec #4: I’m black.
GE Exec #5: I murdered my wife.

2.09 Ludachristmas
Jack: Her name is CC.
Colleen: Is she Spanish?
Jack: What if she was, mother?
Liz: She’s very smart, Colleen, you’d like her.
Colleen: My thanks, to the peanut gallery.

Jack: Your family is strange.
Liz: Oh Mitch? He was in a skiing accident and he thinks it’s 1985.
Jack: No I get it. I’m talking about your parents. And what did your mother mean when she called you a beautiful genius? Was she taunting you?

Kenneth: I was pretty addicted to Coke back in my Wall Street days.

Tracy: No no, I can’t go because of the ankle bracelet. Or maybe I can go and not drink. Or maybe I’ll compromise. I’ll go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

2.10 Episode 210
Liz: Real-estate? No, that’s something you do when you’re married and have a family.
Jack: Sure, wait for that then your first home will be in the city of floating New Chicago.

Kenneth: It’s not just the coffee. I also went to a PG-13 movie. I… I bought a pair of sunglasses. I tried a Jewish doughnut. I’ve always been told that New York City was the 21st century city of Sodom. And look what’s happened. I’ve become one of them. I’ve been sodomized!

Tracy: You can’t leave, Ken. Who’s gonna help me tell white people apart.
Dot Com: And what about our tickets to Spam-a-lot?
Grizz: And who will be my wingman in speed dating?
Kenneth: Oh Grizz, I’ll miss you most of all.

2.11 MILF Island
Liz: Didn’t one of those MILFs die during production?
Lutz: She had too much champagne and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand. It could have happen anywhere.

Tracy: Ms Lemon! I can’t believe they put what you said in the paper!
Liz: Shhh! How do you know about that? This is a Cathy cartoon!
Tracy: Yeah that cartoon copied exactly what you said the other day!
[Flashback]
Liz: Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Ack!

Liz: You know I wore corrective shoes as a kid.
Jack: Really?
Liz: When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot. They think maybe I ate my twin. But after the surgery to remove it, I walked pigeon toed. So all though grade school I had to wear corrective foot gear that attached to a head gear.

Kenneth: I couldn’t lie any more, sir. Because everyone knows the weight of a lie makes your soul so heavy, you cannot rise up to heaven. And you don’t look good in jeans from behind.

2.12 Subway Hero
Dennis: You swore to me that you would never see me again. But this whole crazy on again off again, Dennis Liz thing. You just can’t be stopped.
Liz: We don’t have a crazy… thing.
Dennis: Yeah we do. We’re like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.

Tracy: Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

Jenna: Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon!
Liz: Ok, that’s not my middle name.
Jenna: Explain this!
Liz: Reading paper: Subway Hero, Dennis Duffy and actress Sally Field?

Bucky Bright: I wandered the building all night. I didn’t run into another single living soul. Except one giant lesbian. Who is Conan O’Brien, and why is she so sad?

Liz: If reality TV has taught us anything it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down.

2.13 Succession
Tracy: Eureka!
Dot Com: What is it Tray?
Tracy: We should call Eureka! She always has good ideas.

Tracy: I’m like Mozart. You’re like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.
Frank: Salieri?
Tracy: No thank you. I already ate.

Tracy: I see the potential for erotica in everything around me. This cup! This table! Even you Kenneth.
Kenneth: Well I am wearing a cuffed trouser today.

Jack: What’s wrong with him, Leo?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: To the untrained eye, it looks like he’d appear to be, in what we call in the medical community, sleeping. But he is in a diabetic coma.

2.14 Sandwich Day
Jack: I wish you the very best with the office, Kathy. By the way, you know who hates unicorns? Mark Wahlberg.

Kenneth: This is all my fault Ms Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is for a good man to do nothing.
Tracy: Please ask me my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.

Jenna: How did it go with Floyd?
Liz: The poor guy got Lemoned, hard. Started babbling about how he wished he never left New York.
Jenna: Did you do that thing I showed you?
Liz: No, Jenna, I did not come back from the bathroom and hand him my underwear.
Jenna: That’s how I met that mobster.

Liz: I’m a bitch. I’m a lover. I’m a child. I’m a MOTHER! Floyd?!

2.15 Cooter
Jack: I don’t like to think of this president as a lame duck. I like to think of him as a lame eagle.

Cooter: Our first order of business, the city of Portland has requested 9 million dollars to shore up it’s dam system.
Politician: I can’t support it. Dam is a swear word. I’d support it if instead of a dam we called it a “God finger.”

Jenna: People always underestimate my instincts because of my good looks.
Liz: This is no time for back door bragging!

Liz: Hello, friend.
Jenna: Oh my god! You’re pregnant!