Josh (in song): Who's that a kicking it down the street, causing a stir? Whos that? I know that you're wondering! That's her, that's her, that's her! Who's got the kind of charisma that the boys prefer? Who's hot and you know that she knows it? That's her! She's like a summer sky, a slice of cherry pie, the rarest butterfly, me oh my! Who flaunts her feminine magic, thats me! That's Pam the overly confident, morbidly obese woman.
Liz: So Tracy, we should talk about the show.
Tracy: Yeah, I ain’t doing it unless I can get to do it my way. I want it to be raw. HBO style content.
Liz: Well it’s not HBO, it’s tv.
Tracy: Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!
1.02 The Aftermath
Tracy: Hi I’m Tracy Jordan. I’m black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right Janet? I think we got it!Tracy: You don’t have to thank me Lemon, we’re a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken and a chicken container.
Jenna: Did you know that he once got arrested for walking naked though La Guardia. And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson’s roof.
Liz: Tracy has some mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.
1.03 Blind Date
Tracy: This round, Texas Doozie; Face cards are wild, threes are Jinx, fives are twos.
Flash backs
Gym teacher: Lemon, don’t let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.
Dentist: You know, you need to brush your teeth young man.
Woman: Oh my, what an adorable little lesbian.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” And though they’ve never won a war, or mass produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct. In five years we will all be either working for him, or dead by his hand.
1.04 Jack the Writer
Tracy: Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I were your age: Live every week, like it’s shark week.
Kenneth: (to a rat) Go get help girl!
Tracy: You want to know another key to success.
Kenneth: I do Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Dress everyday like your going to get murdered in those clothes.
Kenneth: It’s Kenneth, from the NBC page program. I’m here for a pick up from Quiong-Dang. Hello, gentlemen. Oh, thank goodness, air conditioning. Ooo, what does that tattoo mean? When I get nervous I ask a lot of questions. Do y’all have a bathroom I could use? Y’all have long finger nails. Now, do y’all rent this place or do you own it? Ooo, what funny looking fish. What is that, like a grapefruit knife? Do y’all have a cellphone? What’s your plan?
1.05 Jack-tor
Liz: This is gonna sound crazy, but Tracy can read, right?
Pete: What are you serious? The guys done dozens of movies.
Liz: Yeah but it’s not like his movies seem like he’s reading a script.
[Flashes to Tracy in a movie]
Tracy: Let’s go rescue Carry. Or whatever. Is there Sheryl. Maybe she can tell us where the drugs are. Or the gold. Then we got that car chase. I’m getting to old for this. Was I supposed to say that then?
Jack: As you know, I’ve been studying comedy, learning what’s funny. I’m watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No no, don’t tell me. Seriously.
Tracy: I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!
Jenna (in song): Everyone knows that the most delicious part of the muffin, is the top. My muffin top is all that, whole gain low fat. You know you want a piece of that. But I just came to dance. Ch-checkin out my sweet hips, my sugar coated berry lips, I know you want to get with this, but I’m just here to dance. So Baaaack up off of me. You’re weiiiiiirding my out. (AH AH AH) I’m an independent lady. So do not try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free.
1.06 Jack Meets Dennis
Tracy: Did you see this?! It’s horrible! They’re printing liable about me! Liable, Liz Lemon!Liz: Ugh, “Normal”! How dare they?
Tracy: That’s what I’m saying. That’s character assassination. That’s not normal. It only looks like I’m walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I’m doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks. And I don’t even know who’s dog that is! Yes. I steal dogs.
Jenna: What’s too old?
Jack: That’s a very good question, how old are you?
Jenna: I’m 29.
Jack: What year were you born?
Jenna: 1977.
Jack: What year did you graduate high school?
Jenna: ’94.
Jack: When do you turn 40?
Jenna: 2017.
Jack: Junior high crush?
Jenna: Kirk Cameron.
Jack: Prom theme?
Jenna: Motownphilly, Boys 2 Men.
Jack: What movie did you loose your virginity at?
Jenna: Arachnophobia.
Jack: Theater or drive-in?
Jenna: What’s a drive in?
Jack: Of course. You are obviously 29.
Tracy: I got this tattoo for the good of the show. It give us and edge. The reason you brought me on. And when you get Tracy Jordan, he comes with a tattoo of a biblical dragon from outer space.
1.07 Tracy Does Conan
Tracy: What else is on my mind grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you are thinking of.
Dr. Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz: Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he’s having a reaction to some of the medication you’ve put him on.
Dr. Spaceman: I was afraid this might happen. You know, he’s on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there’s no telling how they’ll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine’s not a science.
Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
1.08 The Break Up
Tracy: You burned me. There is nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Bret Wilson. Woopi Goldberg does it every day!
Liz: I really didn’t think I was going to meet anybody tonight. But we have so much in common.
[Liz looks away and another guy walks up and kisses the man she was talking to]
Liz: Also you have pretty eyes. Oh hi!
Tracy: As Professor Martin Luther King said, “I have a feeling.”
Toofer: It is Doctor Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream.
Tracy: Oh the dude wears khakis. Uncle John party of one! Uncle John party of one.
1.09 The Baby Show
Tracy: How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? “Hi! I’m Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.”
Liz: I don’t skateboard.
Tracy: Hurts, doesn’t it?
Cerie: We both want to have babies while it’s still cool. I already have all the names picked out. If it’s a girl; Bookcase, or Sandstorm, or maybe Hat, but that’s more of a boys name.
Liz: Yeah I was going to say.
Jack: I run companies. Plural. But to that woman, I’m always going to be the punk kid who cried when Pop was run over by a mail truck.
Kenneth: Oh my, a mail man killed your dad?
Jack: No, Pop was my dog. My dad left when I was two. So I grew up calling my collie, Pop.
Liz: Do not bother Jack. He’s in a very weird place right now.
Tracy: Bebe Jackson’s condo?
Liz: No.
Tracy: A children’s clothing sore in Dubai?
Liz: No. Stop guessing!
1.10 The Rural Juror
Kenneth: I know a gentleman who had a lot of crazy ideas. He was a carpenter. He wanted everyone to love one another.
Tracy: Oh, you mean Jesus?
Kenneth: No, Miguel, from set design.
Tracy: Jack Donaghy, you’re the best. You know what, I’m gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I got two ears and a heart don’t I?
Barbra Walters: Let’s get personal. Your father Werner, was a burger server in suburban Santa Babara.
Jenna: Yes. That’s right.
Barbra Walters: When he spurned your mother Verna for a curly haired surfer named Roberta. Did that hurt her?
Jenna: It was hard on all of us.
Barbra Walters: Flerg Merg Glerg Flerg Merg Merg Merg Tennis Merg Merg was a Bmerg… Flerg?
Jenna: I’ll always be his little girl.
Barbra Walters: Glerg.
Liz: The Hair asked me out.
Jenna: What? The “The Hair?” What’d you say?
Liz: I had to say yes. I mean he looked at me handsome guys eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon was…
Jenna: No Liz, do not talk about that stuff on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Liz: WARS!
Jenna: [on phone] Hey how’s the date going?
Liz: Terrifying. It’s too much. I just want to go home and watch the show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.
Tracy: 1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge!
Toofer: I’m almost afraid to ask. What Christmas album?
Tracy: [singing] Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane for of snow dreams a stocking full of smiles. It’s a Jordan Christmas!
Frank: I remember that. That video was raunchy.
Jack: Which show would you rather watch? A ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?
Kenneth: Neither! I want to see a show where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music. I also have an idea for a cop show called K-9! Exclamation point. And a game show called Gold Case. It’s a cross between Deal or No Deal and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host, do be determined.
1.12 Black Tie
Liz: You’ve already made up your mind about this, haven’t you?
Jenna: Oh, you’re right, Liz! I should go for it!
Liz: You’re not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
Jenna: No, you’re a good friend and thank you.
Kenneth: Do you remember the movie Footloose? Where those evil kids won in the end?
1.13 Up All Night
Liz: [as she tries to crawl out of Jack’s office] This would work on Ugly Betty.
Liz: [on the phone] Hi my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight and I can’t tell who they’re from. [pause] No, no, I did read the card but it’s not signed…. no, I’m not with so many men that it’s impossible for me to guess…well, that is just…oh, well you know what, I found the card, actually, they’re from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!
Kenneth: It’s like Dr. Laura Schlesinger says, “Women should be more accommodating to their men, for the health of their marriage.
Cerie: She sounds smart. Is she really a doctor?
Kenneth: No, I think she’s kind of like Dr. Pepper.
1.14 The C Word
Jack: I wanted to invite you to join me a charity golf tourney that Don Geiss is hosting at his country club in Old Sadebrook.
Tracy: I’m not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.
Jack: How about you come to me to a big party in Connecticut and meet Don Geiss.
Tracy: Is that they gay guy from Project Runway.
Jack: No. He’s the CEO of this corporation. The big man.
Tracy: The dude from my checks?
Tracy: You know the Army’s been messing with the sun. That’s why I keep my junk covered. You know once that stuff gets in your hen, you’re done.
Kenneth: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.
Tracy: I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks.
Liz: If you ever, if any of you ever call me that horrible word again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again! Because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! [cries] I’m sorry. I’m just so tired.
1.15 HardBall
Cerie: These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod looses power.
Liz: Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
Jenna: Oh no. Did I come across as interesting? Because I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
Dot com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk, man.
Kenneth: Oh, I’ve had this conversation before. You’re marrying my mom, aren’t you?
Jenna: First, I was great in That Arless. Second of all, if the President is so serious on the War on Terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barak Obama before he strikes again? It’s time for a change America, that’s why I’m voting for Osama in 2008. Oh? No comeback? Yo Burnt!
Pete: You know you actually did a good job on this.
Liz: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean I don’t love America. [Winks at camera]
1.16 The Source Awards
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan himself said don’t let anyone in who’s not on the list. Cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi. So haters to the left.
Ridikulous: What’s you’re game?
Kenneth: Boggle!
Ridikulous: You tell Tracy Jodan that Ridikulous…
[In the present]
Kenneth:…Is going to eat your family!
Ridikolous: What color plane do you want to buy?
Jack: Clear. Like Wonder Woman’s.
Tracy: Wow. The manatee has become the mento. Wow.
Kenneth: Excuse me, coming though.
Ridikolous: Oh man, you did not just scuff my shoes. P. Diddy wears these.
Kenneth: Oh, will he be mad when you give them back?
1.17 The Fighting Irish
Jenna: What class do you want to take?
Liz: Oh, anything that doesn’t have the words strip, salsa or beats with a z in the name of it.
Jenna: Cardio hip-hop groove it is then!
Tracy: I believe the moon doesn’t exist. I believe vampires are the world’s best golfers, but their curse is that they never get to prove it. I believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Sorry, what was the question again?
Eddie: I’ve got a real job now. I talk homeless people into joining the army.
Jenna: I’m so glad you asked. Kabala is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun part of Judaism with magic!
1.18 Fireworks
Jack: I want you on this Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top notch.
Liz: Those weren’t jokes; that was an appeal to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well they got big laughs.
Dr. Spaceman: Boy it’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity but dunking a women in water until she admitted she made it all up. A different time, the 60’s…
Dr. Spaceman: According to my DNA database, you are a direct descendant of our third president.
Tracy: Jasper Buckleman?
Dr. Spaceman: No Tracy, our third president. Thomas Jefferson.
Kenneth: I’ll do it. Just like Sydney Bristow on Alias. I’ll use my sexuality as a weapon. To the wig shop!
Liz: I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went onto Clown College. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn’t leave until I finished my last plate of shrimp. A couple of months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow… I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends I am voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here’s one, when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today.
1.19 Corporate Crush
Jack: (Looking at the microwave) I’m sorry I let you down.
Jack: I’m not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and your left-handedness.
Tracy: It’s the reason God put me on this Earf.
Liz: I’ll take you off this Earf.
Phoebe: Careful! My bones!
1.20 Cleveland
Phoebe: I’m Phoebe. We’ve met before. Jack proposed to me outside your office. I have hollow bones, like a bird.
Jenna: Wow, how Sex and the City are we right now? I’m Samantha, you’re Charlotte, and you’re the lady at home watching it.
Tracy: The Black Crusaders are a secret group of powerful Black Americans. Bill Cosby and Oprah Winfrey are the chief majors, but Jesse Jackson, Colin Powell and Gordon from Sesame Street; they’re members, too and they meet four times a year in the skull of the Statue of Liberty. You can read about that on the Interweb.
Liz: Ah, well, it must be true if it’s on the “interweb”.
Jack: For God’s sakes Lemon, we’d all like to flee to the Cleve and club up at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges.
1.21 Hiatus
Colleen: She’s got a good solid baby bucket.
Liz: You are a sassy old broad aren’t you?
Tracy: I don’t care what they do to me any more! I’d rather die famous than live for a hundred years like this! Carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth. This is unsuitable!
Liz: Lutz, don’t just stand there, go eat something.
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